Tweens are listening. Are you?
By Phyllis L. Fagell, LCPC
“Can I take some of these?” the middle-school boy asked as he grabbed a handful of pretzels from the jar on my desk. He ate a few, then walked across my office and pulled a book off the shelf. “No way,” he said as he flipped through a chapter about puberty. “Is this stuff...factual?”
Before the pandemic, I would have credited the pretzels for our impromptu conversation, but I had it backwards. My student didn’t pop in because I had pretzels; he used the pretzels as an excuse to talk. When school shut down and kids lost organic opportunities to interact, I suddenly got radio silence. I realized that if I wanted to continue to engage with them virtually, I was going to have to give them a face-saving cover story. So I told all my middle schoolers to expect a call — not because they needed me, but because I missed them.
As a school counselor, therapist, and author of “Middle School Matters,” I try to help adults make sense of these distinct yet enigmatic years. This phase is the last, best chance to raise thoughtful, ethical, kind, responsible people. Whether tweens are listening to a parent, a coach, a teacher, a song, or a podcast, they’re trying to make sense of their contradictory needs.
It’s easy to conclude that kids this age crave superficial content because they spend considerable time on Instagram and TikTok, but they’re just as interested in righting injustice, understanding complex news events, and making substantive contributions. In fact, the more kids scroll through images of others’ perfectly curated lives and get slammed with societal messages about what they “should” be, the more they crave breaks from visual media. Here are three facts about what tweens want to hear, and how you can compel them to listen.
Tweens seek voices that normalize, validate, and reassure
At an age when kids are vulnerable and insecure, they’re desperate for evidence that they’re good enough, that their struggles are universal, that they’re not a disappointment to anyone, and that they stack up to their peers. They’re changing faster than they have at any age other than birth to age two, they’re uncomfortable in their own skin, and they’re prone to reading even neutral feedback as negative. During these years, kids’ confidence drops by a third while their rates of depression and anxiety spike. Nearly two-thirds of their friendships evaporate between fall and spring of their first year in middle school, so perhaps it’s not surprising that they’re hungry for realistic portrayals of adolescence. We can help by presenting them with hard evidence that success isn’t linear and there’s no such thing as a perfect tween.
Tweens are listening to parents, but collecting information everywhere
As much as they want parents to impart knowledge, tweens also are amassing information from the internet, movies, novels — even their friend’s ninth-grade brother. It’s a developmental imperative for them to pull away from their family and identify more with peers. They’re going to look under rocks to find answers to their burning questions. They’re toggling between childhood and adolescence and want to know about their changing bodies, shifting friendships, emerging identities, family background, the environment, and everything in between. We can help them sift through the muck for trustworthy, sensitive, relevant sources. Bonus points if those sources are funny and lighten the mood.
Tweens may seem nonchalant or even combative, but they’re listening
Kids this age want to be nurtured, yet feel competent, independent, and respected. They can roll their eyes, stare at a screen or bounce a ball, yet take in every word. They consider arguing a productive form of conversation, a way to discern what you’re thinking. Tweens are capable of deep insight and will tune you out if you lecture or talk down to them. If you want them to pay attention, treat them as the expert in their own life. Acknowledge their intellect, start from a place of curiosity, and give them opportunities to share their feelings — even teach you something!
Here are three questions that will convey you want to listen:
Do you think you know more or less about [fill in topic, i.e. healthy relationships, sexuality] than I think you know?
Do you think society judges tweens too harshly? What do you think people get wrong about kids your age?
Can you help me with [fill in need, i.e. resolving a friendship conflict, overcoming a fear, learning how to play a video game, get motivated to exercise]?
Tweens need emotional distance to connect. It’s why some of my students request pretzels instead of admitting they want to talk. You can identify less personal ways to open a dialogue and connect with your own tween. It doesn’t matter whether you read the same story or listen to the same podcast, as long as you get the conversation started.
Phyllis L. Fagell is a school counselor at Sheridan School in Washington, D.C., a psychotherapist, a frequent contributor to The Washington Post and other publications, and the author of “Middle School Matters.” She is also a consultant for TRAX and its producers, providing insight into the development and interests of tweens.